mud, motherhood and meaning

Do you have a loud one? Do you have a loud kid or family member?
A weird old uncle who belly laughs at all the wrong times? Or, someone with a slightly twisted sense of humor?

Why is it so hard for us to just love them as they are? Why the constant, “quiet down,” “this isn’t the place or time,” or “stop talking!”

Do we look at the quiet ones and expect more of them? Are we telling them to pipe up instead of pipe down? No, no we are not. We are not suggesting they be MORE in order to fit in. We are not constantly worried they will say or do something to offend someone else in a crowded public space.

Nope, we save that judgment for the loud ones.
I was raised with one very loud one as a parent. She was the one to stir all the pots and just be inappropriate. She was sort of an exhibitionist, too. Like, “Hey, look at me do this thing!” Example…my brother got pulled over by the local cop because of his loud truck exhaust, which was done intentionally. (Back when dual exhaust and glass pack cherry bombs were cool—still cool over here.) Anyway, he got home and told my parents. She loaded up in his truck and headed to town. We could hear her the whole way. She went to town to cause a disturbance because she was mad. Exhibitionist.

That behavior is drastically different than what I am talking about. I am talking about that awkward kid that is loud because he/she doesn’t know how to just be. Maybe he/she isn’t comfortable in their own skin yet. Sometimes, the situation seems vulnerable and might require some emotion, but they want to avoid. No teen wants to be emotional, especially in front of their peers.

Does my kid get some of these traits from a biological parent? Yes.
Does that parent, also, tell said child to be less? Quiet down. Stop yelling. Also, yes.
Does the grandparent on that side do the same things? Yes, again.
Grandma is god-awful loud, screechy, and sometimes adds in jumping up and down but insists on telling my kid to stop being loud and boisterous. WHAT?!

I have never understood this dynamic. I mean, while in that relationship, there were plenty of times I had to explain what is and is not acceptable behavior. I was parenting a spouse because the loud, intense, attempts at being funny were grossly too much. Even friends would beg me to intervene.

Ok…some things are just not ok. I believe we all learn the “boundaries”, so to speak. Does my teen understand those things? I think, to some point. Last night, was pure excitement and nervousness but it started this ball rolling….

Having grown up with a loud parent, or some days, parents, life was a little edgy. Ya never knew what might set someone off. This is not the same as that.

I am simply asking everyone to take a minute, stop and consider….
Is this who my kid is?
Is this a part of his/her personality?
Am I telling him/her that this part of them is wrong? Or bad?
Is that the message I want to send?
Do I accept the quieter kid without rolling my eyes?
Why is that?
Why can I accept one and not the other?

So, for us, in this house, I can 100% tell you this is a generational cycle…
The grandparents are old enough to actually be great-grandparents. My dad had me older in his life and my husband’s parents were both older. Both dad’s have passed.

While my dad was alive, he never made any of my kids feel too much. Did he tell me to be quieter as a kid? Yes. Did he hate my loud best friend? Also, yes. OK, he didn’t hate her, but she was too much for him sometimes. However, we listened to loud music and Dad played the guitar IN the house. Things got loud. It was acceptable.

Now, the other grandpa….He DID tell my kid that he/she needed to calm down and be quiet. He didn’t want the kids running in the house or giggly over a whisper, really. He was crass about it, too. For awhile, I respected that it was his home and would send them outside whenever possible. One day, he snapped and I snapped back. That was all it took. You will not be changing my children. You either accept them ALL as they are or you get none. Period.

I am not saying to just brush off bad behavior or not to make your kids respect the rules in someone’s home or presence. I am simply saying, there are parts and pieces of these kids that we are telling them to hide and that is not fair. While it may be uncomfortable for us right now, as they are learning and growing, they will figure it out. Hopefully. That is the goal, right?

We want our kids to figure life out with as few pot holes as possible. They will all experience some along the way. Maybe learning when and where to be quiet will be a lesson they learn out in the wild. Maybe home will be the safest place they can simply be who they are.

Just accept them. Love them anyway.
Too loud.
Too silly.
Too emotional.
Too scared.

It is all in there….like little boxes up on shelves and some days those boxes fall and out comes whatever feelings, scurrying about and bouncing around with excitement after having been trapped for far too long.

We seem to be willing to embrace the loud or intense when it is on our own terms. That is unfair. When I get upset, sometimesI get loud. Why is it wrong if my child does the same?
If the emotions do not come out, they go on the shelf to be dealt with later.
This is something I know far too well and am trying to avoid with my own kids. Of course, everyone will go into adulthood with a little bit of baggage or lessons learned the hard way. I would like to correct as much of the cycle as possible with my kids. We spend a lot of time talking about the hard things, when they are willing. While they may not see the trauma in their lives, I do. I can look back and see all the mess ups and failures. I can see where they should have had more support and resources. I am doing that now.

When we know better, we do better.

I am offering my kids what I was never given.
Acceptance.
Guidance.
Resources.
And, a little nudge to get through the hard stuff now instead of later.

We can choose to love them every moment….the loud, the quiet, the hard…all of it.

Maybe loving a loud one is God asking us to look more internally. Maybe this is not about them at all. Why is this so hard? What makes this uncomfortable?